If you're not in the mood to feel sorry for me (and I don't blame you), just skip this post.
I remember an incident from my very early 20s. I was participating in some family activity and I was grumpy. My mom got really mad at me and said something to the effect of, "Emily, you have a chip on your shoulder toward the whole world." It made me huff and puff at the time, but I've thought a lot about that since then. I've come to realize I do have a chip on my shoulder.
I have thought about why I have a chip on my shoulder. I have realized I am bitter and cynical. I think it comes from the fact that a common thread throughout my life is that I am a sucker. People see that and they see an opportunity to use me for something. In high school, the person I thought was a best friend, saw me only as a back-up plan. If nothing better was going on, then she would talk to me/hang out with me/tolerate my presence. In college, I had a boyfriend who used me in too many ways to list on this little blog. I have known too many people who saw me as a temporary friend, but dumped me the second someone "better" came along. When I ask someone for a favor, I get told the terms of how this person will help me. When someone asks me for a favor, I bend over backwards to help out, but in the end, I'm left being told it wasn't good enough, and that I owe even more favors.
I have tried to smooth away this chip on my shoulder. I have tried to fill it in with something warm and fuzzy. And every time I give people another chance, the benefit of the doubt, or belief that people are not inherently mean, I get used. I get walked on. I get hurt.
I am tired of it. I am sick of having to pick up the pieces of me that crumble to the ground when someone chips out another large portion of my trust. I've tried to put myself back together, but it's not the same. A vase that has been broken and glued back together might look whole, but it can't hold water.
At times I just want to be even more reclusive than I already am. I want to tell the world to eff off and to leave me alone. I want to scream at people to let them know they have hurt me deeply, and my view of people in general is tarnished because of them. I want to cry because someone who I thought was the salt of the earth, and one of the only genuinely good people of this world has hurt me and betrayed my trust (wait. I did that already).
But that's not what life is about. Life is about forgiveness. Self-improvement. Loving others who "despitefully use you". It's just hard to do that.
3 comments:
I can so hear you on this one. It's rather tragic the way true-true friendships don't grow in abundance. And that is from people you meet and make into friends as well as family members. It's heart breaking.
But, in an effort to move forward this year, I'm going to try moving past those who I have felt have wronged me and try to turn the other cheek (although, I'm still reserving the right to limit those interactions).
It's a rough and bumpy road out there for sure. Hope you can find balance and a way to shield yourself from further hurt.
I have no words of encouragement (sorry). But I can commiserate (my nickname actually was "Bitter"). And I thought things would be different in college, and they weren't. And I thought things would be different in grad school, and they weren't. I didn't even bother thinking things would be different in Kentucky, so I haven't even given it a chance (why be disappointed?).
I don't know what the answer is. The only constant in ALL the scenarios is me, and perhaps you, so I know that, logically, change needs to spring from within. Hard to let things just roll-off though, hard to move-on when you feel hurt and wronged. Also hard not swing from hurt and sad, to an "I'll show them!" bucked-up b!&chiness which only further alienates you. That's where I ended up, and I can tell you it's not worth ending up there. So if given the choice between the two, perhaps see your ability to trust and be hurt (repeatedly) as sign of genuine humanity, as "good-person-ness." Because I have to believe it is. It's better than the alternative. (of course, magic option 'c' is "confident person that these things don't happen to" but I haven't figured out how to switch to that track).
Well, you are always so nice and happy around me and funny too. I like you just the way you are. (Chip or no chip I guess)
Post a Comment